Gorillamerium

 Gorillamerium

(A.K.A. Gorillamer) 

 Symbol – Gm                                                              Group # - 17

Atomic number – 117                                                 Period # - 7

Atomic Weight - ~ 291.0                                            Block - p

Electron Configuration – [Rn] 5f¹⁴6d¹⁰7s²7p⁵                 Color - Tan

Discovery Date – September 20, 2006

Discovered by – Brad Porinchak MD, DDS, PhD, LXH, ADD, NES

                Steve Posilovich MD, CDC, PhD, ADHD, LED, SNES

State – Plasma.  Gorillamerium must be created in the lab and used quickly, other wise it will change from liquid to plasma (in about 15.4 minutes), then to a solid (in about 35.4 minutes). 

Temperature Range (for use) – 40 - 130º F                 Melting Point - 155º F (once solid)

Open working time @ Room Temp – 5-10 min               Boiling Point – 2,345º F

Density @ 293 K - 5.8 g/cm³                                      Crystal Structure – Orthorhombic

Classification – Rare Earth                                         Vanderwaals Radius – 0.318 nm

Expansion Rate – 0.23 cm³/s                                     Conductivity – None(that is known)

Name Origin – Derived from the French word gorilla and the Spanish word Elmer.

Obtained From – Gorillamerium is a volatile mix of a 1:1 ratio of Elmer’s Glue and Gorilla glue. (Combination should not be done by children, unqualified personnel or gorillas)

Uses – Gorillamerium’s sole use is to hold things together for all eternity.

Half –Life – There is no half life for gorillamerium, since it will last for all eternity.

Containment – Gorillamerium cannot be contained.  It is the only known substance that forces the container to take its shape.  Any container that is filled with Gorillamerium will be destroyed by the expansive strength of Gorillamerium. 

General Info – Gorillamerium’s primary occurrence is associated with basic igneous rocks. Gorillamer nuggets occur naturally as the uncombined plasma, as does an alloy of gorillamer-iridium. Three-quarters of the world's gorillamer comes from Kyrgyzstan, where it occurs as Gorillamerite, while North Port is the largest producer, followed by Zimbabwe. World production of gorillamer is around 7,000 fl oz a year and reserves total more than 30,000 fl oz.  Gorillamerium is a highly reactive element and when applied the results occur in the following order.  First upon initial application one will notice a small bubbles forming (these are gas pockets that have proved in numerous experiments to be fatal or even deadly if popped and inhaled – please take a moment to remember our fallen lab assistants whole boldly gave their lives for science).  Next, the gorillamerium will begin to look like foam, but it is far more dangerous than foam.  After 15 minutes exactly, the “foam” is same to touch and needs to be compressed to allow for maximum stickiosity.  During this time the foam will be expanding so it is imperative that the full 15 minutes has passed before it is touched.  Finally, the gorillamerium will cure and become a complete solid.  Once this has happened there is no hope of separating the objects that are now held together by the gorillamerium.

Safety   -            Gorillamerium is a highly toxic element. 

It will cause major damage to skin and clothing (as Mr. Porinchak unfortunately found out during preliminary testing).

Water only makes it stronger. (That is why we recommend that you moisten the items you wish to seal together forever.  Water molecules form a gorlem bond with each atom of Gorillamerium.(gorlmer bond is a bond in which atoms and molecules are locked by energy levels that create a bond so strong that if the bond could be broken Earth, no the universe as we know it would be obliterated in less than a nanosecond)(picture 6.02 x 10²³ atomic bombs going off at the same time)) 

It should under no conditions be eaten (even though Elmer’s glue is quite tasty). 

Avoid eye contact (unless you want to lose your eyes forever, in which case apply a double coat). 

This element should be handled by highly trained technicians, chemists, physicists, and one math teacher (Mr. Posilovich) 

In an emergency this can be used as a life saving device. 

No Elmer’s or gorillas were harmed during the testing of this product.

However, this product was tested on animals (they were not harmed however, there are currently 38 animals running around in the wild stuck to each other).

If it gets on clothing do not dry clean kids or animals.

If inhalation causes you to see spots, remove the spotted sheet from in front of your face.

Dried Gorillamerium can be removed from skin with chisel, scraper or sandpaper.

Individuals with chronic asthmatic conditions, sleep disorders, or uromisotisis, should consult a physician prior to using.

May cause gastro-intestinal blockage if swallowed.

Gorillamerium in the gaseous state will glue air together.  Avoid rooms with gaseous Gorillamerium.

Gorillamerium may cause cancer.

Gorillamerium may cure cancer.

If gorillamerium comes in contact with a gorilla call the zoo immediately.

Keep out of reach of children and animals, especially hedgehogs.

Keep from freezing (gorillamerium is extremely unstable when frozen.  It is the only substance that shrinks when it freezes.  Because of this it will condense into itself and implode sending shards of gorillamerium through space at a speed faster than light and even faster than dark!)