Flatchulentium

One would not think it possible, but another new element has been discovered.  The newest Nobel Gas is here.  Flatchulentium.  This new element was discovered by Dr. Tony Miller, who claims to have the sampled hundreds of thousands of various isotopes of this new element.  Miller believes this is the, "Noblest of all nobel gases."  After much research, and mexican food, the data is in and flatchulentium has found its place on the periodic table.  Mr. Porinchak had this to say about Miller's discovery, "Miller has definetly impressed the G-14 classified personnel and will soon be asked to join the ranks of G-14 classified, his discovery is not just a lot of hot air, although it kind of is in a way.  When he began his research, I knew he was the right man for the job."  

Flatchulentium

(A.K.A. Farton) 

Symbol – Ft                                                              Group # - 18

Atomic number – 118                                                 Period # - 7

Atomic Weight - ~ 294.0                                            Block – p

CAS Registry ID: 54144-19-3

Electron Configuration – [Rn].5f¹⁴.6d¹⁰.7s².7p⁶ (a guess based upon that of radon)

Standard State- gas at 298K

Color - Colorless

Classification- Non-Metallic

Availability-  Readily available, all depends on digestion and types of materials consumed  prior to digestion.

Discovery Date – Unknown

Recognized Date- October 24, 2006

Recognized by – Tony Miller MD, DDS, PhD, CRS, ARD

Temperature Range (for use) – 1°C to 73°C

Melting Point - -71 °C

Boiling Point – -61.7 °C

Open working time @ Room Temp – 10 seconds – 15 minutes             

Density @ 293 K - .001 g/cm³                                     

Crystal Structure – none (amorphic)

Classification – Rare Earth                                         Vanderwaals Radius – 0.00096 nm

Expansion Rate – 0.25 to 3.25 cm³/s                        Conductivity – None(that is known)

Name Origin – Derived from the Italian word fartala which means to smell.

Obtained From – The release of intestinal gases through the anus, usually with an accompanying sound

Uses – Alternative fuel (only from sources that are full of rich gases)

Half –Life – Varies, in some gases it will only last for seconds while in others it will last hours.

Containment – Flatchulentium can be contained.  It will take the shape of a container, including but not limited to the human hand.  It is recommended that only lead containers be used when containing Flatchulentium. 

General Info – Flatchulentium is gas that varies in its reactivity. In some cases in may be detected by sound associated with the release of Flatchulentium. In other cases it may not be accompanied by any sound, but can be detected from the deadly smell. Some times the release of Flatchulentium is referred to as “SBD”. In all cases the release of Flatchulentium takes place on earth 150,000 times per second, making Flatchulentium the 2^nd most abundant gas on earth.

Flatchulentium has been known to be combustible, so it is important not to release this gas near an open flame. Also Flatchulentium has been known to cause minor skin irritation to major skin rashes do to the toxicity level of the gas. It is important that when near Flatchulentium the area you are working in is well ventilated and the use of the appropriate breathing apparatus is used. 

Safety         

It will cause minor to major damage to skin and clothing (as Mr. Porinchak unfortunately found out during preliminary testing).

Cotton helps to strengthen the fumes of Flatchulentium. It is important to release Flatchulentium with out allowing to pass through cotton.

It should under no conditions be inhaled (even Mr. Posilovich tends to spend his free time comparing Flatchulentium at NPHS). 

Avoid eye contact (the strong fumes could melt your retina and cause severe damage to the cornea). 

Avoid the inhalation of Flatchulentium (self explanatory)

This element should be handled by highly trained technicians, chemists, physicists, and one math teacher (Dr. Miller) 

In an emergency this can be used as a life saving device (Use as a flotation device). 

No Elmer’s or Flatchulentium were harmed during the testing of this product.

If inhalation causes you to see Mr. Porincahk, remove his picture from the front of your face

Lingering Flatchulentium can be removed with a 9000 watt fan.

Individuals with chronic asthmatic conditions, sleep disorders, or uromisotisis, should avoid completely.

May cause nasal blockage and swollen trachea if inhaled.

Flatchulentium in the liquid state will is very deadly.  Has not been seen in the liquid state since 1982 in New Jersey.

Flatchulentium may cause cancer.

Flatchulentium may cure gastro-intestinal disorders.

If Flatchulentium is released in or near a school, evacuate immediately.

Do not release near children, small dogs, or history teachers.

Keep from freezing (Flatchulentium is extremely unstable when frozen. It will expand when frozen and become 3 times as reactive one melted to a gas, through sublimation)